


wanderer (open your eyes)

by zyxingsus



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: AU, M/M, im also surprised @ myself for writing xingdae....., this is a fucking mess, would it really be me if this wasn't angsty?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-04-03
Packaged: 2018-10-14 04:37:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10529097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zyxingsus/pseuds/zyxingsus
Summary: jongdae needs to make the hardest decision of his life, and yixing is there through it all.





	

**Author's Note:**

> oh GOD you would not believe how much trouble this fic has caused me....  
> 6:26 am, i stayed up writing XINGDAE i still can't believe myself. a disappointment.

_seventeen and nine months //_

 

jongdae was only months from turning eighteen and the choice that awaited him terrified the living shit out of him. stay home with his family… _or_ leave to explore what the world has to offer but be unable to come home? the choice should be easy right? his family is perfectly kind, they love him, they’ve never neglected or abused him, actually they may have spoiled him a bit, but he still finds the choice ahead of him was too daunting. part of him wanted to leave all he had in favor of for the _chance_ to find himself (which sounds awfully cliche but that’s beside the point) but another part of him was disgusted at the thought of him actually doubting his decision, how could he repay his family like that? how could he repay all their kindness and compassion towards him by throwing it back in their face and _leaving?_

 

but, jongdae has a secret, well not a _secret_ , just a fear he’s kept tucked and hidden away from all the people he cares about. he has never felt truly happy in his life, he loves his family and would do anything for them but there’s something missing and he’s afraid that by staying in korea with his family he is giving his chance up to be able to finally feel like a complete person for once in his life. would he really be able to leave? were his doubts enough to make him drop everything that’s ever meant anything to him? of course, the only rational thing to do to help jongdae’s decision making become easier (well according to jongdae)…was to join an online forum dedicated to his problem. to most, turning to strangers on the internet to help jongdae make - probably - the most important decision of his _life_ was concerning, to say the least but jongdae was desperate.

 

the most help he’d gotten was from a user, who he’d spoken to ever since he created the account six months ago, whose name he didn’t even know, even after the long drawled out discussions the two had during sleepless nights when the choice wouldn’t stop haunting him. the user, _zyxzjs,_ just turned eighteen and that was all jongdae knew of the other user, while this person knew pretty much all there was to know about jongdae (mostly due to his awful tendency to overshare everything about him), they even knew what jongdae _looked_ like. okay, this all sounded beyond like some bad calls jongdae has made, but jongdae has his reasons for it, the first being it took months for him to open up to the user, to finally _trust_ the other user, the second reason is that the user, _z,_ said they went through what jongdae went through. that was what drove him to confess his doubts on the choice, and so far _z_ has been far too helpful, offering insight and whatnot, for jongdae to just dismiss the other person because they’re behind a screen and not with him in real life. 

 

what _z_ never failed to do is tell jongdae that no matter the choice he made, it would be the right one, jongdae hoped _z_ was right because everything about this god awful decision felt so _wrong,_

 

_seventeen and twelve months //_

 

his last month before he had to make the choice. to say that jongdae was nervous would be an absolute understatement, he was _petrified,_ he couldn’t help but feel so awful for his doubts, but what if he never found what he was missing? would jongdae ever be satisfied living the same life day after day even if it was with his family? but on the other end of the spectrum, what if he’s wrong? what if he leaves everything he knows and loves in search for something that may just be in his head and finds _nothing?_ what would he do then? no family, no friends, _no one_ would be there for. the weight of the up and coming decision he would ultimately have to make continued to grow and grow with every passing minute, he carried it with him everywhere he went and it never eased on him, he only hoped he would come to his decision sooner so he could put himself at ease for the first time since he turned seventeen.

 

~

 

user _zyxzjs_ finally caved and jongdae something about their mysterious self, _his_ name is _yixing._ yixing and jongdae have steadily distanced themselves from only talking about the choice jongdae still hasn’t decided on. jongdae thinks its because yixing can sense how much anxiety the choice was giving him, so from time to time they drifted away from helping jongdae make the choice he needed to make. 

 

 **_zyxzjs_ ** _: well jongdae, idk what to tell you. i know you think of your family quite often, and the fact that you may be thinking of leaving seems like you’re betraying them, but in the end you need to put yourself first. don’t stay in korea if it doesn’t feel like the right choice._

 ** _kjdae_** _: i_ know _that, but i’d hate to rush into the choice to leave then regret it and be left alone you know? i think that’s what terrifies me the most, being alone through it all._

 ** _zyxzjs:_** _assuming your family won’t like…alienate you afterwards, i’m sure they wouldn’t leave you alone like that, i know tons of my friends who have left who still keep in touch with their parents. sure they may not be able to see them face to face, but it’s still something. and even if they_ did _alienate you, you’d still have me kiddo._

 **_kjdae:_ ** _i don’t know how you’ve dealt with me for this long yixing, thank you for all you’ve done you don’t know how much it means to me :(_

 **_zyxzjs:_ ** _you’re stuck with me kiddo :p_

 **_kjdae:_ ** _stop calling me kiddo you’ve only recently turned eighteen_

 **_zyxzjs:_ ** _you’re still younger than me, so i can call you kiddo. also it’s like three am jongdae, get to bed._

 **_kjdae:_ ** _ok GRANDPA, goodnight._

 

~

 

the eve of the big choice, jongdae’s reached his decision. 

 

“mom…dad, hear me out. i…don’t think i’ll be staying here anymore. i’ve been saving up in case i _did_ end up making this choice i- _fuck_ it doesn’t sound right.” jongdae wants to kick his own ass, how’s he ever going to tell them? how’s he ever going to face them? would they ever forgive him? or will they turn their back on him like he’s going to turn his back on them?

 

~

 

“mom. dad. i’m leaving, i’m sorry i know this may seem like i’m spitting in your face after all you’ve sacrificed and done for me, i just…it doesn’t feel right for me to be here you know? there’s something missing and i’m afraid if i don’t leave i’ll never be satisfied. _god_ i know it’s not a good enough reason, and i love you guys, i really do, i just…think this is best for me-” he takes a deep breath, “and i hope i’m right.” the last part is almost a whisper, and jongdae suddenly finds his untied shoes supremely interesting, cheeks flushed with shame.

 

“oh _jongdae,”_ his mother coos, “how could we ever hold that against you?” he looked up in surprise and gaped at his parents staring at him with eyes filled with love, _and heartbreak,_ his mother is close to tears he can tell, and his father is already crying. they beckon him over between them, and they hold their son as close to them as possible, because come tomorrow he’ll be gone.

 

_eighteen //_

 

 **_zyxzjs:_ ** _big day today!! good luck jongdae, you’ll make the right choice!!_

 

jongdae’s last morning with his family was a blur, his mother cried twice and held jongdae so tight to her he thought she’d never let go. his father kept telling jongdae he loves him, and that he’d stay in touch no matter wherever jongdae found himself ending up. his mother and father also kept reminding jongdae that if he ever needed anything they were a phone call away.

 

and with that, jongdae took his bags and set out to his first destination, _china._

 

_eighteen and three months //_

 

the first three months jongdae spent in china were a blur. between chinese classes and work jongdae found very little time to breathe properly, let alone ‘find’ himself, as he originally set out to do. working at a korean barbecue restaurant wasn’t one of jongdae’s list of things to do, but everyone starts somewhere right? besides, if he was going to set out to find himself he would need some money, so this was temporary. at least that’s what he told himself.

 

 **_zyxzjs:_ ** _you still up?_

 ** _kjdae:_** _of course, mandarin is_ hard _yixing :(_

 **_zyxjds:_ ** _i could always help you, you know that right?_

 **_kjdae:_ ** _YOU SPEAK MANDARIN????_

 **_zyxzjs:_ ** _jongdae….you do know i’m chinese right?_

 **_kjdae:_ ** _WHAT??? HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?? YOU ONLY TOLD ME YOUR NAME LIKE FOUR MONTHS AGO!! :o_

 **_zyxzjs:_ ** _i thought my name gave it away…you know considering it’s….chinese…._

 ** _kjdae:_** _i can’t_ believe _how dumb i am…i didn’t think of that…_

 **_zyxzjs:_ ** _you’re so funny jongdae. the offer will always stand btw, but for now…get some sleep you have to be up early for work tomorrow, or did you forget you took that person’s shift?_

 ** _kjdae:_** _oh_ fuck, _i completely forgot thanks yixing! i’ll definitely be taking you up on that, you’ll regret offering to help me then._

 **_zyxzjs:_ ** _i never have, sweet dreams kiddo_

 **_kjdae:_ ** _yeah, yeah that’s what they all say g’night grandpa…_

 

jongdae’s heart was pounding, did this mean he would finally hear yixing’s voice? these past few months have been…rough on jongdae, the lingering feeling of loneliness that he couldn’t shake was getting to him, and had it not been for his constant conversations with yixing (and his parents but that’s a given) it would have been much harder to deal with. to be alone in this world…jongdae never wanted to experience that, and he didn’t think yixing would be anything less than a constant in his life for now. the thought left him at ease as he fell asleep.

 

~

 

yixing kept to his word, he _did_ start helping jongdae with mandarin as well. jongdae would never admit this aloud, but his phone calls with yixing were the highlight of everyday. it wasn’t _supposed_ to be a daily thing, but jongdae was addicted to listening to yixing switch easily between his slightly accented korean into his much more fluent and fluid mandarin, he was addicted to the sound of yixing’s laughter ringing in his ear when jongdae claimed he was going to give up on learning mandarin. he didn’t know what it meant, well he _did_ know, he was just stubborn. 

 

“hey yixing?” jongdae interrupted their lesson, in dire need of focusing on anything _but_ learning mandarin.

 

“yeah?”

 

“where do you live?”

 

“…china.”

 

“well i know _that,_ you already told me you chose to stay where you are, but i meant where?” jongdae bit down on his lip too harshly, wincing as he tasted the familiar metallic taste against his tongue. _stupid, stupid, stupid._ his own heart was beating so loud he was sure it would hop out of his chest soon enough and walk away.

 

“well…i’m from changsha, but i live in shanghai.” 

 

“hey i’m in shanghai! maybe we should meet sometime, you know it’s almost been a year since we’ve known each other, and the fact that we’re in the same country and the same place and we haven’t met yet is preposterous…of courseonlyifyou’recomfortablewiththat.” jongdae spluttered out the last part, and as soon as it was out he wished he could take it back. yixing was silent for a moment.

 

“i don’t see why not.” his tone was light and jongdae could _almost_ feel his smile, and soon enough jongdae smiled too, his relief was indescribable.

 

_eighteen and four months //_

 

they decided to meet at the restaurant where jongdae works, only because even after months of living in shanghai jongdae still found himself getting lost embarrassingly easy. his shift ended at six and yixing said he would be there then. jongdae was excited, but he was on edge all morning, he would _finally_ meet yixing. he hoped he wouldn’t make a fool of himself.

 

at around five-thirty, jongdae realized he didn’t know what yixing looked like. his panic set in, how could be be stupid enough to _not_ ask yixing what he looks like, _stupid, stupid, stupid!_ yixing however, must have realized that because when jongdae checked his phone briefly he could see that yixing had sent a picture of himself, he sighed in relief but he was scared to open the photo. 

 

 _stop being an idiot! just open it, he’s going to be here soon and you won’t even recognize him because you were being stupid._ at that thought, jongdae sobers up and calms himself _just_ enough to open the photo without losing his shit (because apparently jongdae was some stupid kid with a middle school-esque crush). it was, _adorable._ yixing had dimples! jongdae has one, but yixing’s is so deep and so _cute!_ and good god was he attractive, he hated himself for immediately focusing on yixing’s lips, but they were so _nice,_ a little chapped but it seemed like he had chapstick on so he could let it go. his bangs were a little shorter than his actual forehead, exposing his eyebrows (his haircut was strangely similar to jongdae’s), and his eyes were crinkled upwards in a slight smile. overall, the greatest selfie anyone’s sent him, but maybe jongdae is biased. one discernible thing was that yixing had on a striped top that was black and white in the center, but one sleeve was green and the other was red, at least that’s what he could make out through the filter. jongdae looked down at his own attire, and hoped his grey and white hoodie underneath the apron was just fine.

 

his phone vibrated in his pocket, it must have been the alarm he set to five minutes before his shift ended. he practically jumped to freshen up a little before his shift ended so he could meet yixing. at the six o’clock mark jongdae kept staring at the door, waiting - rather impatiently - for yixing to come in, and when he did come in - not to be cheesy or anything - but he took jongdae’s breath away. he wasn’t very tall, or very large he was actually kind of small, not as short as jongdae though, but he was _beautiful._ mercilessly, jongdae had to recover quickly because yixing saw him as soon as he walked in the doors, and jongdae walked (practically ran) to the other man.

 

“hey grandpa,”

 

“hey kiddo, great to finally meet you.” he teased with a smile, dimple peeking through. jongdae may or may not have melted inwardly.

 

“i could say the same for you,” he threw in a nervous laugh he hoped passed off as cool, “you hungry?” 

 

“yeah, starving actually.” 

 

“well, what’re you waiting for let’s eat!” they found their table and nervously sat across from each other, for a moment the silence was too awkward, but jongdae broke it.

 

“was it a long ride from your place?”

 

“no actually, a few blocks.” 

 

“wait, really? i live a few blocks from here too!” jongdae chirped excitedly, almost _too_ excitedly actually, he felt a blush heat up his face. yixing nodded sheepishly, and with time the tension and awkwardness of their encounter began to lessen and lessen until they were speaking like old friends, not as if they had just met for the first time that day. jongdae didn’t want to admit how much he liked yixing at this point, he was too afraid of jeopardizing what they have now and he wasn’t exactly at a place in life where he could afford to lose a friend. so he kept his feelings tucked away and let himself enjoy yixing’s company.

 

~

 

they spent _hours,_ at the restaurant. they didn’t even realize how much time had passed until jongdae’s boss, the owner, came to inform them the restaurant was closing. they apologized profusely and left immediately after paying. jongdae didn’t want the night to be over, he didn’t want to let yixing go for the night just yet. as they stood in the street across from the restaurant yixing pulled out his phone.

 

“let’s take a picture!” he brought the phone up in front of their faces. yixing settled for a half smile, baring his teeth slightly and put his free hand up to form a V shape. jongdae, unsure what to do, somewhat copied yixing, his smile was a little bigger than yixing’s, his eyes crinkled upwards slightly, and he pulled up two V signs at either ends of his eyes. when they looked at the picture they took, jongdae could see that their smiles seemed a little stiff, like any other selfie smile, but he loved it regardless.

 

“send it to me yeah? want me to walk you home?” yixing nodded again, but jongdae was confused as to which question his nod was meant to answer.

 

“i mean, yes i’ll send it to you and yes to you walking me home.” it was like yixing read jongdae’s mind. 

 

“lead the way.”

 

_eighteen and six months //_

 

jongdae and yixing were at jongdae’s dreadfully small apartment, it was more like a closet than an actual apartment but it suited jongdae’s needs, he wasn’t so sure about other people though. they were crammed into the living room, and by living room jongdae means the couch and coffee table across from jongdae’s bed. yixing decided it would be best if he helped jongdae with his mandarin in person, sure as hell beats talking on the phone, and jongdae wasn’t about to pass up an offer to spend some time close to yixing. his crush, has metastasized substantially but he still pretends it doesn’t exist.

 

“are you even paying attention to me jongdae?” yixing’s voice cuts into jongdae’s thoughts, and he looks up at yixing surprised.

 

“of course i am!”

 

“then repeat what i just said.”

 

“uh….” yixing laughs so hard jongdae’s almost sure he forgot to breathe, yixing and his obnoxious laughter that sounded too much like a loud giggle, yixing’s stupid laughter that caused him to stomp his short legs and clap his hands like a fucking seal, honestly it was ridiculous but it was ridiculously _adorable._

 

yixing’s staring at him now and jongdae feels like an idiot, he wants to ask what yixing’s looking at but he notices how much closer yixing’s face gets to his face. _oh._ his eyes flutter shut just as yixing’s lips meet tentatively with his, it’s sweet at first, almost a _peck_ really and jongdae was surprised to find that _he_ himself ended up deepening the kiss.

 

“ _finally,”_ yixing breathed into the kiss and just like that, the two were laughing. needless to say, they didn’t spend the rest of the day on mandarin lessons.

 

_nineteen //_

 

it’s been a year since jongdae moved to shanghai, the job he thought would be temporary ended up being longer than he thought, but once he gained enough money he bought a ticket.

 

yixing and jongdae have been steady ever since that first kiss at jongdae’s apartment, but he doesn’t know how to tell yixing that in three months time he was leaving and he wasn’t sure when he’d be back.

 

_nineteen and one month //_

 

“yixing, i have something to tell you.” he brought the elder man to sit across from him, “i - i bought a ticket. i’m leaving in two months.” 

 

“a ticket…when are you going to be back?” yixing had a feeling he understood what jongdae was implying, but it didn’t stop him from hoping he’d be wrong.

 

“i don’t - i don’t know.” 

 

“oh.” jongdae wished yixing had gotten angry, why wasn’t he angry? “i know this won’t make you change your mind, and i don’t mean to, i just have to say it jongdae,” _please don’t, please, please don’t_ “i love you, and if you say you’ll come back i’ll wait, just tell me.” jongdae couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t believe what a terrible person he is, but he _had_ to leave, he wasn’t supposed to stay in shanghai his whole life, he left korea to explore, not settle. but how could he not when it was yixing? yixing who spent a year of his life helping jongdae make the hardest choice he ever had to make, yixing who spent another year teaching jongdae, keeping him company in his loneliest of hours, and _loving_ jongdae. how could he not come back?

 

“i don’t know when i’ll be back yixing, i don’t want you waiting years and years for me.” yixing looked so defeated in that moment, it took all of jongdae’s willpower to not sell his ticket to someone and just stay with him, he needed to go.

 

“i’m just gonna leave.” he didn’t even let jongdae open his mouth to reply before he was out the door.

 

_nineteen and three months //_

 

his flight was in three hours and yixing wasn’t there to bid him goodbye, he tried to keep himself from falling apart.

 

with one last look at the place he called home for a year, jongdae took off.

 

_twenty three //_

 

for the first time in four years, jongdae found himself back in shanghai. he spent those four years anywhere and everywhere, trying to ‘find’ himself, but no matter where he went, no matter what he did it didn’t fulfill what jongdae hoped it would. he didn’t find himself, because he had _already_ found himself, he found himself in the small apartment he lived in for a year crammed with yixing for mandarin lessons, he found himself in yixing’s arms after a particularly long and gruesome day at work, he found himself in the soft kisses he shared with yixing, the drawled out patient kisses, the rushed but still passionate kisses, he found himself in bed with the man he loved, no _loves._ to this day, he loves yixing and the biggest mistake of his life was not leaving his family to seek himself, it was leaving _yixing_ to seek something that didn’t exist because he was already whole, he was just too blind and afraid to see it.

 

he nervously stepped up to the familiar steps of yixing’s apartment, and with sweaty palms rang the doorbell. he waited a minute…two…three…until the door opened.

 

but it wasn’t yixing. it was a young woman, older than jongdae by a couple of years, in her arms was a toddler and on her face was an unamused look. 

 

“i’m sorry does zhang yixing live here?” he scrambled to get the words out. the woman stared at him, and for a moment he thought he made a mistake with his mandarin, it had been too long since he needed to use it.

 

“no, he moved out months ago.” _oh._

 

“do you know…where he went?” he knew it was a long shot, but he had to ask or he’d never forgive himself. he really wish he hadn’t asked.

 

“yeah he moved back to his home town with a man.” _oh._ he blinks back tears, why is he crying?

 

“thank you, i’m sorry to bother.” she didn’t deign to reply, she just closed the door in his face. he walked out of the building and around the block aimlessly, he felt numb. yixing hadn’t waited, but why would he have? jongdae _told_ him not to, _jongdae_ was the one who left, how could he fault yixing for doing as he said and moving on?

 

jongdae went back to the hotel room he was staying in, packed his things up, and left somewhere, _anywhere_ than here. he bought another ticket to another place he knows won't fill the emptiness he felt in that moment. he never looked back.


End file.
